Well, it’s been a little over two years since you’ve continued on and there still isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about you. There was quite a while there after you and Charlie died that I wasn’t sure if I was going to make it. There is a quote from a great yogi, B.K.S. Inyengar, that says, “In yoga the pose begins when we want to leave it”. For me, the word yoga in that quote and the word life are interchangeable. Not make believe life, how do I escape life, how do I numb myself so I can cope life – but real life. The fly out of bed in the morning, happy and excited for what this day will bring, kind of life. The kind of life that at the end of the day when you put your head on the pillow with your beautiful partner spooning you and their arms around you holding you tight, whispering, “I love you sweetie” and your children safely home sleeping in their rooms. That kind of life. The life I was doing everything I could to escape because the pain of losing it, like losing you and Charlie, was too much to bare. I did some things Dad, some things you wouldn’t have approved of, not to feel the pain. I thought I was running towards intimacy when all the while I was running away from it. When things got really bad and I thought I was having a nervous breakdown, I read a passage from a book by Jeff Brown that said “it’s not a breakdown, it’s a breakthrough!”. That and the Iynegar quote helped me realize that everything I had been through was leading me back home. Not as the same person I was before. I had to be completely undone first and now I’m stronger, braver, more confident and practically fearless in the face of life and, yes, even death. During these past few years some of the choices I’ve made I would not choose again but by the same token, I wouldn’t take them back either. They had to happen in order for me to happen. And I’m happening Daddy, I published a book, I’m posting my poems and writings for the world to see, but more importantly, I have a mutual love, respect and admiration of family and friends. The beauty of it all is that we feel that way despite all of our shortcomings and flaws. We invite them into our conversations without fear of judgement or condemnation. Yep, I became undone and now I’m reborn with renewed vigor, understanding and a determination to live a life with more awareness, compassion, and love. I will never run away again. I miss you Daddy. I always will. I love you and all the lessons you’ve taught me.
Always and Forever,